~Author's Note: This piece was a district writing assessment and I have now posted it to my blog, along with the rest of my class. Hope you enjoy it and please give some feedback. Thanks!
In this story, the forest fowler catches and serves for the king. He had even sewn his motto "servo" into the flesh right above his heart. Have you ever felt this way before, where you serve someone no matter who tries to persuade you to not do it? When you make a choice and make it happen, there’s no going back and it will affect your future.
The future queen was an elegant, graceful woman; who was known throughout the land. Her name was Lady Columbia, which meant dove. She was to be married to the King and he had commanded the fowler to bring 100 doves to be eaten at the wedding feast. And yet, the queen said no. Later, he was catching the doves for the feast, all except one who was small, white and graceful. He could never catch the dove; but when he finally did, the dove spoke out in a woman's voice proclaiming that he had to release the dove and would find fame and fortune or even the queen as his one true love. Since he could not bear the dove's words, he twisted the bird's neck and brought it back to the castle with the other 99 doves. Yet there was never a wedding.
When I read this, it made me sad, for I couldn't bear to see the cruelty. If the king was for the queen, he would heed to her wishes as well, except if it was one of those times when women didn’t have any power. The queen turned out to be the dove, one who was graceful, and full of innocence. The dove is a symbol of love and beauty, yet it is easily brought down. The fowler had felt regret for killing that innocent creature, the one who was the queen and so he never hunted again; but lived on berries for the rest of his life. If I was the fowler, I would have done the same except for killing the bird and tearing his “motto” off his chest.
The story showed to me that everything has its rights and wrongs whether it’s hunting or even issuing orders for your loved one. The fowler made his choice, even if it was a wrong one. We cannot change what we did and will do. Our choices change our future. Because the fowler decided to hunt birds for the king, he felt regret and never hunted again. If he saved the bird, he would have had much fame and fortune and the Lady Columbia.
You know, looking at the introduction, it's a shame you didn't incorporate a technique here because you obviously understood the story on a deeper level than the surface meaning, but the intro makes it appear that you are going to summarize the story, which is a huge mistake. You forgot to incorporate transitions, and those elements of style necessary to achieve a higher score. The content is fine, but if the writing doesn't rise to the level of your thinking, then your voice sounds lower than it should.
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